


What Would You Do Without Me

by zaynscheekbones



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: GTOP, M/M, but if it is...deal with it, hope it isnt too sappy near the end?, i miss seunghyun lol, junsu is there, seunghyun enlists and misses jiyong, update: even more fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-24 23:40:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9792194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaynscheekbones/pseuds/zaynscheekbones
Summary: In which they could be on opposite ends of the earth and Jiyong would still have a hold on Seunghyun.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I am not in the korean military, nor have I ever been in it (or any form of military). I didn't do extensive research on it because this is just a fanfiction and not a work of art, so if I get things wrong please excuse me and forgive me from the kindness of your heart.

From the outset, Junsu’s company fits him like a glove. His senior seems to understand his sleeping pattern before Seunghyun has shaken his hand, knowing that it will take more than just a drill to wake him up at 6 in the morning (many vigorous shakes should do it).  And it doesn’t take long (two meals) for Junsu to start sliding his leftovers onto Seunghyun’s plate when their officials aren’t looking.

 

It’s unexpected. The other man is extroverted where Seunghyun is introverted, calm and composed where Seunghyun is weird and erratic. They’d bumped into each other at music shows several times before (back when TVXQ was still a solid unit) and has maintained a strong friendship with Jaejong over the years, but Junsu and him had never really clicked before.

 

 _There’s something about you that makes people want to look after you_ , Seunghyun remembers Jiyong saying, as he brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes. _You’re more vulnerable than people think._

He scoffed at the time. He’s sensitive, sure, but not _vulnerable._

 

The army changes you, though. Maybe he’s being dramatic, but he sure feels vulnerable as hell right now. He always took pride in not caring about what other people thought of him. But here in the training camp he doesn’t have a mask to hind behind or a persona to pull on. He’s just Choi Seunghyun, with a standard buzz cut and dark circles under his eyes that he can’t hide with concealer.

 

Junsu, with the same buzz cut and acne scarred skin as his own, seems to get this. They never talk about it, but they don’t really have to. Junsu’s firm shoulder pressed too close into Seunghyun’s own on the coach journey was enough of a conversation.

 

After three days it starts to grate on him, the excessive mothering. He snaps, feeling awful and regretful a split second later and retreats to his bunk to wallow. But if he’s expecting Junsu to pull away from him (honestly he doesn’t know what to expect anymore), he doesn’t. He sits down in the mess hall next to Seunghyun the morning after with the same grin, slides his tray next to Seunghyun’s.

 

“You like grapefruit right?” He asks, and without giving Seunghyun a second to answer he’s shoving the segment into Seunghyun’s mouth. When Seunghyun looks at him indignantly he tries to justify himself. “You’re loosing weight. Eat more.”

 

 _You’re too skinny,_ Jiyong used to say in the same way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sadly his friendship with Junsu doesn’t extend to the rest of the new recruits; where ever he goes he’s accompanied by their discrete glances, the weight of them threatening to make him more tired than their morning exercises. Which isn’t that unusual, he supposes.

 

“It’s your eyebrows.” Junsu says one morning, a mouth full of food and fork halfway to his mouth, ready to cram even more food in. Etiquette flies out of the window in a mess hall, Seunghyun quickly learns.

 

“Huh?” Seunghyun mumbles, mouth just as full.

 

“That’s why no one approaches us. You look too intimidating.”

 

“You think?” Seunghyun asks, wryly. The corners of his mouth turn up in a small smirk, but he appreciates the ‘us’. He’s seen how the other men laugh and joke with Junsu when he’s not acting as Seunghyun’s shadow, so it’s nice of the other man to lump himself in with Seunghyun.  

 

The army must really change you, he concedes, after painstakingly admitting to himself that he _wants_ people to like him. But he doesn’t know how to achieve that; he’s never been as outgoing as Seungri or as thoughtful as Bae, and not for the first time since he came to the training camp does he find himself wishing that they were here too. Lying on bunk beds next to him, staring up at the ceiling and counting the cracks with him.

 

Sleeping is a lot harder without the weight of Jiyong beside him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Initially the nights prove to be the hardest, even worse than the physical activity. At least when he’s moving his mind shuts off. But here, with only the sound of deep breathing to keep him company, his thoughts run wild. The first few nights are the worst, and he would be tempted to drown himself in the shower were he not bound by the fear of exposing his body, irrational and paralysing in equal measure.

 

On the fourth night Junsu stays up with him. Seunghyun would much rather wish he wouldn’t, but the other idol insists that he can’t sleep. They don’t talk, sitting in silence instead. Maybe it’s because they’re in the same industry, or maybe they’re just more alike than Seunghyun gives him credit for, but Junsu seems almost in tune to him. He’s aware of Seunghyun’s habit of isolating himself sometimes, and, like a sniffer dog, will unfailingly come drag him out of his self imposed solitude. But he also knows when to give Seunghyun space, when to let him think things through.

 

When he wakes up the next morning, he feels more rested than he has done in weeks. Dark circles have taken home under Junsu’s eyes instead, and he would feel guilty, but there’s something in the other man’s eyes that says he doesn’t mind at all.

 

That morning is the first time he attempts a shower. Recruits are supposed to shower at least once a day, but he’s quickly learning that being an idol in the army really does come with a couple of perks. Sadly his body odour doesn’t care about his hang ups, though, and clearly neither does Junsu, who shoves a towel at him and all but holds his hand on the way to the communal showers.

 

“ _Tough love.”_ He says, as Seunghyun grumbles and drags his feet along the floor.

 

It’s the most uncomfortable he’s felt in a long time, fixing his gaze on the tiles beneath his feet as the lukewarm water gently falls onto his back. Junsu clearly doesn’t have the same problem, washing his body freely and not caring who sees what.

 

Thankfully he never asks why Seunghyun is like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _Bingu,_ they call him in the company. While his sense of humour isn’t necessarily _weird,_ it’s definitely _different_ , as Jiyong likes to say. A good different; most people who know him find him funny (or at least if they don’t, are kind enough to pander to him). But it was never their validation he was after. Instead, it was the way Jiyong’s eyes crinkled as he told a joke, the way he laughed with his whole body and looked up at him with eyes that said more than crumpled up sheets of lyrics ever could.

 

With Jiyong absent, though, that motivation is gone. He’s uncharacteristically quiet for the first few days, no matter how many attempts Junsu makes to open him up. That is until he makes a comment one day, and even though it’s off hand and not intending to be funny in the slightest, Junsu’s eyes crinkle at the corners and he throws his head back in a laugh. It makes Seunghyun hurt, but it’s a good hurt.

 

He repeats that joke three times, each time with the same response and each time with the same ache in his body. Maybe the recruits are getting used to his angry resting face, or maybe Junsu secretly had a word with a few (he wouldn’t put anything past that man), but slowly the other recruits begin to approach him more (albeit still just as timidly) and by the end of the first week he has a whole table of men laughing at his shitty jokes.

 

They start to accompany him places, running beside him, showering beside him. Despite the lack of personal space, Seunghyun finds himself enjoying it. After the first week they’re allowed to receive letters from home, and despite having told people not to write to him (he didn’t think he would be able to handle it), he finds himself walking to the mail room, several recruits by his side. He remembers Jiyong’s pout after explicitly saying _no letters,_ but he’s hoping the younger man has gone against his wishes.

 

“So after the army, I can send you my mixtape yeah?” One of the other trainees asks, only half jokingly. The other half is looking at him with hopeful eyes, and the rest of the trainees around them laugh. “You can give it to G-Dragon?” He carries on, earning more laughter.

 

Seunghyun lets out a hollow laugh, mainly in an attempt to hide the fact that his heart just dropped into his stomach. It drops even further once he finds that the others really did adhere to his wishes. The only letters he gets are ones from fans, half of which are in languages he can’t even read. The other recruits stare at his pile when he flops back down onto his bunk, and he hears a few faint jokes about being as popular as he is. He can’t focus on them, though. All his energy is spent on trying not to cry, because even though he thought he couldn’t handle hearing from Jiyong, he clearly doesn’t know what’s best for himself.

 

It’s the not hearing that’s worse, it’s the way that he’s forgetting what the younger man smells like in the morning, the way his laugh sounds late at night. Here, in a busy room surrounded by the chatter of young men, he doesn’t think he’s ever felt more alone.

 

Nearing the end of their recreation time, Junsu finds him still sat at the foot of his bed, staring into space. He fixes Seunghyun with a long look, before pulling a slightly dented envelope out of his pocket.

 

“One of the guys said this was in their mail. Must have gotten mixed up.” He says, arm stretched out to Seunghyun. Seunghyun stares at it for long enough that Junsu snaps his fingers. “You there?”

 

“Yeah, yes. Sorry. Thanks.” Seunghyun says, all at once. The writing on the letter is unmistakably Jiyong’s; years of working together in the studio have taught him every curve, every sharp line of Jiyong’s handwriting. He takes the letter from Junsu, who sits down on the bed beside him.

 

“Must be tough being away from him.” Junsu says, softly. Seunghyun feels his whole body freeze. “I wont tell anyone. Just know that I’m here if you feel sad about it.”

 

Letting out a large breath, Seunghyun closes his eyes.

 

“How did you know?” He asks, a little too defensively.

 

“Jaejong told me.”

 

Of course he did. Seunghyun feels stupid, but he gives himself little time to dwell on the feeling as he gently works the envelope open. Junsu gets up to leave, patting Seunghyun’s back before he does so.

 

“ _Hey, Hunnie._

_I know you said no letters, but I also know that you are terrible when it comes to knowing what’s good for yourself. Having said that, if you really don’t feel like you want to read this, then don’t. I wont be offended._

_In case you’re worried that I’m going to wax some lyrical shit that will make you cry in front of strong army men, I’m not. So you can let out that breath you’ve been holding in.”_

And without being aware of it, Seunghyun does as he’s told.

 

_“What do I say, really? It’s barely been a week and I miss you so much. Too much, maybe. I thought it would be fine, it’s not like this is the first time we’ve been apart, you know? But I can’t even call you, or even text you. I miss waking up to your dumb jokes in my phone, but most of all I miss waking up with you besides me._

_I’m sorry this is so much. Like I said, it’s barely been a week. And however hard I’m finding it, you must be having a worse time. Everyone else is doing well, Seungri’s off in God knows where, Bae’s barely left Hyorin’s flat this week and Daesung’s still off in Japan. I cried last night thinking about how much they love him over there, you’ve turned me into a mess Choi Seunghyun._

_Or should I say, Officer Choi?_

_I hope the other recruits aren’t as pretty as me, but in case they are just remember how low I can bend under a limbo pole. I hope that you’re eating and sleeping well, and I hope that for the most part you’re happy._

_I love you a lot. Time will fly by until you’re allowed to come home next. A reply would be nice, but I can understand if you don’t feel like it. Don’t feel burdened by it._

_I love you._

_Ji._

  1. _This was very therapeutic. I can understand why Bae writes letters so often._



_PPS. I wouldn’t be surprised if Bae has a stack of undelivered letters to you hidden somewhere in his flat.”_

 

 

 

 

 

The letter helps him through the second week, but it’s far from plain sailing. Like most his life, there are ups and downs. Some are intense, some are less intense. Unfortunately for him, these ones seem to favour the former. Getting out of bed every morning becomes that little bit harder, and it’s not because of the lack of sleep. Something that Junsu quickly becomes aware of, and the worried glances that follow become heavy on his back. If this were any other time, he would knock back a few bottles of soju and cry down the phone to his mum. Sadly, he can’t do either of those things. Nor can he explain when Junsu asks him what’s wrong, why he sits in silence at meal times and why his eyebrows have begun to form a permanent frown.

 

If it went on too long, Jiyong would usually show up at his villa with a bottle of wine and some strong words, telling him to either _talk about it or get over it._ But this time Jiyong never materialises, and for a few days he simply goes through the motions, looking forward to the next time he can bury his face in his pillow.

 

He makes his way over to his bed after a shower one night, fully intent on doing just that. Water drops from his hair as he murmurs goodnights to several of the other recruits, not willing to engage in any more conversation. But Junsu sits on the end of his bed, and he doesn’t look like he’s going to move anytime soon.

 

“Don’t react.” Standing up and leaning into Seunghyun, he whispers. Something long and thin slides into Seunghyun’s palm and he casts a discrete glance down at it.

 

“I said don’t react.” Junsu hisses at him, as Seunghyun looks up at him with wide eyes. A cigarette is nestled in his hand and he slowly closes his fingers over it. Speaking through gritted teeth, Junsu carries on. “Meet me outside the bunk in 2 minutes.”

 

And that’s how they have their first secret rendezvous, surrounded by pine trees and darkness. The first drag makes Seunghyun cough like mad, causing Junsu to thump him on the back.

 

“You idiot. At least die quietly.” He says, laughing.

 

“How did you get these?” Seunghyun croaks after getting his breath back. Junsu gives him a wry smile.

 

“Being an idol comes with perks.”

 

“So they know we’re out here?”

 

“Yeah, most of them. They don’t really give a shit, but I promised them Bigbang concert tickets after I finish conscription.”

 

“What was the point of all the secrecy, then?” Seunghyun asks, pointedly ignoring Junsu selling him out to their higher ups.

 

“The other men! I’m not in the mood to get fags for the whole bunk.” Junsu laughs again.

 

Little by little Junsu slowly drags him out of his own head, mainly by forcing his company upon Seunghyun. It reaches the point where he starts to feel guilty for not being the same support system that Junsu is to him, aware of just how much Junsu is looking out for him. Just the other morning he reached out to stop Seunghyun before he could bite into a peach.

 

“You’re allergic, aren’t you?” He said, eyes wide open and hand tugging at Seunghyun’s wrist. Seunghyun froze, hand halfway to his mouth as the other recruits on their table stared at the two of them. He’d completely forgotten, or rather, Jiyong wasn’t there to remind him.

 

“Huh. Yeah, thanks.” Seunghyun said, after putting the peach down. It’s only a mild allergy, but he can hear Jiyong’s voice in the back of his head.

 

_What would you do without me?_

And it doesn’t stop there. Akin to having a guardian angel, Junsu is there to pull him away from rabbit holes, to flick his gun back on safety when Seunghyun has forgotten to. It doesn’t stop at the small things; Junsu will listen patiently while Seunghyun talks about the curve of Jiyong’s lips, or the way his gums show when he smiles.

 

Neither of them really acknowledge it, although Seunghyun is completely baffled by _why_ exactly Junsu would care for him so much. The closest they both get is Seunghyun making an off hand comment about him making Junsu work twice as hard in the army. He just about catches Junsu’s faint ‘I don’t mind’ as the other idol sprints ahead, leaving Seunghyun to jog alone with his thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It seems stupid to admit now, but one of the biggest worries he had about the military was whether his sense of humour would gel with the rest of the recruits. However it now seems that dad jokes and bad impressions are universal, and he can’t quite believe he ever really worried about such a thing. He becomes known as the class clown among the recruits, and by the third week even their officials are making small jokes at his expense. He’s been entertaining for 10 years and he’ll be damned if he stops now.

 

No one seems to care that he will recycle the same joke for a few days running and eventually Junsu is even joining in.

 

“Tsch. So many inside jokes.” One of their higher ranking officers says light-heartedly, walking past them hunched over with laughter in the mess hall. A sudden wave of homesickness hits Seunghyun; it would always be him and Bae laughing over something silly, with one of the other three (sometimes all three if the two of them were being particularly annoying), walking past with an exasperated sigh that they didn’t really mean.

 

But as the days go by, the homesickness gradually becomes easier to deal with. Youngbae finally sends him a letter, and reading it doesn’t send Seunghyun into the mental turmoil that he had previously thought it would. Seunghyun writes a reply to him the same day, and finally brings himself to reply to Jiyong as well. It’s a struggle; the words don’t flow on the page anything like how they sound in his head.

 

 

_“Hey Ji.”_

He writes.

 

“ _Bae finally wrote me a letter. Was starting to worry, to be honest._

_The first few weeks weren’t great. I knew how hard it would be, but nobody told me how much it would hurt without you here. The selfish part of me wishes you were right next to me, but instead I think I’ll have to live vicariously through you._

_The other recruits are alright, although I think there’s a lot they’re not talking to me about. Overheard two of them joking about me having a black credit card hidden somewhere in the bunk._

_Junsu’s been great, I suppose we’re more alike than I first thought. He keeps sneaking me cigarettes, so so much for quitting haha._

 

_I am happy for the most part of it. I have friends, the food isn’t as bad as every one said it would be. Life is a series of ups and downs, I suppose._

_There’s one more week left until I’m back in Seoul. I’m sure no one would object to G-Dragon visiting the police department once in a while?_

_I love you._

_Seunghyun.”_

He rereads the letter several times, agonises over it more than he has done with half of his raps for their songs. And this is only going to be read by one person, not a whole nation. He’s not going to send it, having decided that he can’t convey what he wants to, until Junsu grabs it out of his hands.

 

“Yah!” Seunghyun shouts at him. The rest of the recruits look over to where they both stand, and Seunghyun flips them the bird.

 

“If you don’t send it I will. You’ve been writing it for an hour and a half now, you’re not bloody Romeo and Juliet so get over yourself and _post it._ ” Junsu says, holding the letter high above his head. He keeps it there until Seunghyun mutters his assent, ripping the letter back as Junsu lowers his arms.  

 

Having finally fallen into the routine of it all, the final week at the training camp passes by in a blur. After they upped the tempo on their drills, he’s so physically tired he has no energy to miss home, and for the first time in a long time his nights aren’t punctuated by bouts of insomnia. Even the shower doesn’t bother him so much any more.

 

The other recruits are starting to get just as bold as he is, asking more and more questions. They’re eating dinner in the mess hall when the conversation turns to girlfriends and Seunghyun prepares his well-rehearsed rhetoric of only having three relationships in the past 10 years.

 

“I don’t believe that.” One man says afterwards, shaking his head.

 

“A face like that and you expect us to believe that you aren’t getting _it_ all the time?” Another asks, putting heavy emphasis on the _it._ There’s silence around the table as they all watch Seunghyun chew his food, thinking carefully.

 

“Just because I’m not in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m not getting any.” He says, deciding to risk it. Laughs come up from all around him, and the man next to him thumps him on the back. Seunghyun casts a small look to his right to see Junsu wearing a small smile on his face.

 

“What about you, Junsu?” He asks, not letting Junsu get away with it that easily. The other idol turns red in the face.

 

“Please, as if I’d tell you guys.” Junsu replies. It hits Seunghyun at that moment that Junsu seems to know every intricate detail about his life, but that doesn’t work the other way. “So, who were these hook ups you claim to have had?” Junsu hits back at Seunghyun.

 

Seunghyun’s heart stops. He’s never practiced this for a variety show, and Junsu knows he’s thrown him into unchartered territory, watching him with a smug grin. Thankfully, Seunghyun is an actor. The stories he comes out with are vague but convincing, and for the first time since enlisting he’s relieved Jiyong isn’t here to see this.

 

The thought strikes him, that for the first time since enlisting he also feels comfortable. He’s not waiting anxiously for the future, or thinking of what’s going on behind the camp’s walls. He’s in the present, _enjoying_ the present.

 

Junsu keeps the smug grin on his face, as if he knows exactly what Seunghyun is thinking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before he knows it, their last day in the training camp is upon them. He wakes up late, showers late and ends up being the last to leave their bunk, still packing while the others are all sat on the coach.

 

 _Being an idol comes with perks_ , he hears Junsu say. And thank god it does, Seunghyun thinks, hastily stuffing his things into his rucksack. He manages to cram everything in, and is just about to hike his bag onto his back and leave the room when he catches sight of a book lying just underneath Junsu’s bed. He’s pressed for time but fetching it for him is the least he can do for Junsu after the past month, so he makes his way over to it.

 

As he picks it up a sheet of paper slides out of the pages, and he stares at it lying on the floor. The handwriting is more familiar than his own. After picking it up slowly, he sits down on Junsu’s bed, completely dumbfounded.

 

 

 

 

  1. _He wont want to shower with other people. Don’t ask him why, I never really understood it either. But just make sure he has a shower once in a while._



The letter reads, in messy cursive that could only belong to one person.

  1. _He doesn’t eat enough, especially not enough fruit._



  1. _Once he likes a joke he wont let it go for weeks. I’m sorry._



  1. _He says he doesn’t want to receive any letters from us, he’s an idiot. Give him the letter I’ve attached if he’s looking too sad, say it got mixed up with your post._



  1. _Like I said, he’s an idiot. Make sure he doesn’t accidentally shoot himself in the face, he’s the only visual Bigbang has._



  1. _He’s allergic to peach skins. But he sometimes forgets. Don’t let him forget or I’ll kill you._



  1. _Try and get him a fag every once in a while._



  1. _He doesn’t sleep very well, especially not when he’s alone._



  1. _He thinks that he enjoys being alone all the time. Don’t let him be, it’s bad for him._



There’s a lump in his throat by the time he finally stops reading, sat with the letter gripped between his hands.

 

“Seunghyun-ssi!” One of the other recruits shouts from the door of the bunk. Luckily Seunghyun has his back turned towards the other man, and quickly composes himself. “You ready to go?”

 

“Yeah.” Seunghyun hears himself say. He slips the piece of paper into his front pocket and makes his way out of the bunk with the other man. They walk to the coach in silence, but there’s anything but silence going on in Seunghyun’s mind right now. Everything Junsu knew about him, the way he seemed to _know_ him, didn’t come from Jaejong. It didn’t come from having similar personalities, or working in the same industry together.

 

Head still spinning, he steps onto the coach and quickly spots Junsu. There’s a free seat next to him and Seunghyun makes his way over, trying to decide what to say (if anything) before he gets there. He sits down quickly, pulling Junsu’s book out of his rucksack to hand to the other idol. Junsu looks a little taken aback, and they sit there in a heavy silence until the coach starts, trees starting to roll past them.

 

“So, how much did Jiyong pay you to look after me?” Seunghyun finally asks, with one eyebrow raised.

 

There’s a long pause.

 

“He promised to produce some tracks for Jaejong.” Junsu says, eyes closed as if he’s waiting for Seunghyun to get mad. He has half a mind to; he’s now an officer in the army and Jiyong wont stop acting like he’s made of glass.

 

But then he thinks back to the beginning of the month, how he was so fragile that he may well have been. He thinks back to all the times Junsu had pulled him out of his own head, had snuck him outside for cigarettes when it was getting too much.

 

The past month wasn’t easy, but it would have been a hell of a lot worse were it not for Junsu.

 

Were it not for Jiyong.

 

“Thanks. On his behalf.” Seunghyun says, swallowing. The lump is back in his throat but he can’t cry now, refuses to cry now.

 

“I didn’t mind. I think it helped me too, in a way.” Junsu replies, looking out of the window and away from Seunghyun. He moves his gaze downwards into his lap. “It’s nice, seeing how much he loves you.”

 

 


	2. You Don't Have To Do Without Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seunghyun comes home for the weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jiyong's POV. I still miss Seunghyun.

Cameo is the first thing Jiyong sees when he opens the door, quickly followed by a pair of broad shoulders either side of a solid chest. He blinks twice, having woken up less than a minute ago to the buzzing of his doorbell.

 

He’s so tired that he can’t process what he’s seeing, because he could _swear_ that Seunghyun is on the other side of the door frame. Rubbing his eyes, he comes to the conclusion that he must be dreaming. But then a hand reaches out around him to pull him in for a hug, and he _feels_ it. So no, not dreaming.

 

Which leaves only one explanation; that Seunghyun is _there_. Not in the army, but _there,_ in front of him. It doesn’t take long after accepting that for Jiyong to let himself melt into the older man’s arms. Even through his clouded brain he can tell that he feels different now, smells different now. He pushes those thoughts to the side, though, as he looks up at Seunghyun. Aside from the stubby hair (it reminds Jiyong of the many months after a time when he convinced Seunghyun that a shaved head would be all the rage in 2007), his face is the same.

 

It almost brings tears to Jiyong’s eyes, but he’ll blame that on the lack of sleep. 

 

Seunghyun doesn’t say a word, just holds him tight. He prefers it that way, wouldn’t have a clue how to express how he’s feeling right now. Reluctantly they break apart so the other man can step inside the flat, but Jiyong still finds it hard to keep his hands off him. There’s a hand on Seunghyun’s back as he dumps his bags down next to the sofa, fingers on his arm when he reaches out to stroke Ai (and a discrete hand on his bum when he leans over to take off his shoes). As if he’s afraid Seunghyun will disappear if he doesn’t have a grip on him.

 

“What are you doing here? You weren’t supposed to be on leave for months.” Jiyong says, and winces at how ungrateful it sounds.

 

“I mean-“ He goes to correct himself, but Seunghyun interrupts him.

 

“It’s fine.” His hyung says, with a small smile. Still the same voice. “They gave some of the men the weekend off before we start with our unit, something about having too many men at once.”

 

“You can never have too many men at once.” Jiyong jokes, a reflex reaction. Seunghyun laughs, and with his stupid, deep giggle Jiyong feels on top of the world. Whilst Seunghyun gazes out of his windows, Jiyong takes the opportunity to look him up and down. Now that he’s awake, no part of his other half’s physical transformation are lost on him. It’s only been a month, but where bones and sharp angles were visible there’s now muscle and strength.

 

He can’t wait to see what those new muscles can do in bed.

 

But before he manages to do that, there’s the uniform to deal with. As if he read his mind, Seunghyun turns towards him with a familiar smile on his face. A smile that doesn’t change as Jiyong works his fingers around the buttons on the uniform. Ai weaves around their legs trying to get their attention, but Jiyong’s focus is solely on the man in front of them. They’re standing close enough now to hear each other’s breathing, and god how Jiyong has missed the rise and fall of Seunghyun’s chest.

 

“I knew you would like the uniform.” Seunghyun whispers, a smug smile on his face. “Got given new police uniforms we’re supposed to wear, but I broke the rules for you.”

 

“Oh, Officer.” Jiyong replies, with his best swoon. Seunghyun laughs, and soon Jiyong is leaning his head into his chest trying to stifle his own laughs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He wakes up sweating, daylight streaming in through the blinds and heating up the room. The first thing he notices is that he’s naked, naked and sticky. The second thing he notices is that Seunghyun is lying next to him, for the first time in a month.

 

Which feels pretty damn good.

 

He’s in half a mind to let him sleep, almost kids himself into believing that he would be content just watching the rise and fall of the other man’s chest, the eyelashes gently fluttering on his cheeks as he dreams. But if the older man is only there for the weekend, then he’s determined to suck all the fun out of it that he can. After bracing himself to face a very grumpy Seunghyun, he takes one last look at his peaceful face. It’s a look that eventually travels downwards, exploring his newly defined chest (and a toned arse). But he breaks his gaze away, snuggling himself into the crook of Seunghyun’s arm and running his fingers along that chest. Jiyong feels like a child in comparison, but he doesn’t have long to worry about that before Seunghyun’s eyes flutter open.

 

“No.” He moans, rubbing a hand over his eyes. He knows exactly what Jiyong is going to say.

 

“Get up.” Jiyong says, unflinchingly. “We need breakfast.” He says, because that is likely the only thing that will get the older man out of bed. It earns him an exaggerated sigh, but slowly Seunghyun sits up and begins to root around for his boxers on the floor. Even his back is toned now, and Jiyong watches his muscles ripple with a growing sense of unease.

 

“You coming?” He says to Jiyong, who hasn’t moved from the bed. Now that the post-sex endorphins are beginning to wear off he’s painfully aware of what a contrast they are, painfully aware of just how quickly Seunghyun has started to change. The thought paralyses him, and he sits underneath the sheets trying to hide himself in a way that he hasn’t done since he was 15.

 

“Yeah.” Is all he can say to Seunghyun though, as he carefully manoeuvres himself with his back to the older man. He can still feel Seunghyun’s curious gaze on him, though.

 

Luckily, the other man is too focused on eating to probe further, as he quickly makes his way out of the bedroom. There’s nothing but a pair of boxers (Jiyong’s) on his body, and he notes how ironic it is that _he_ is now the one terrified to show his body. Their positions have completely reversed. It feels like the rug has been pulled from underneath him.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I know about you talking to Junsu.” Seunghyun says, a mouthful of croissant. The confession comes after several exclamations of _just how good_ it was to eat pastry again. Jiyong swallows his orange juice, biting his lip.

 

“Are you mad?” He asks, not sure if he wants to know the answer. Telling Junsu to look after Seunghyun was an act of pure desperation (an act that he majorly regrets after deciding that Jaejong was effectively a _nightmare_ to work with), one that he didn’t really think through. All he knew was that sending Seunghyun off without him was the worst feeling in the world, and if there was anything he could do to make sure a piece of him was there then he would do it.

 

“Why does everyone think I’ll get mad?” Seunghyun asks, ripping apart his pastry.

 

“Because you have a terrible temper.” Jiyong answers, but with that one question he finds that his stress is gone. “So you didn’t mind?”

 

“It was dramatic and very mothering of you, and honestly I’m 30 years old; I can look after myself.”

 

Jiyong swallows.

 

“But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t the only thing that got me through that month.”

 

Heart stops.

 

“So thanks.”

 

Seunghyun clears his throat, looking at Jiyong to say something but he can’t. He seems to know this, though, and reaches up to brush a crumb off Jiyong’s cheek.

 

They don’t really talk about much else, especially not the army. Selfishly, Jiyong wants to know what it’s like. What it’s _really_ like, not just the shit they repeat about the tests and the hard-work and the crappy canteen food. He wants to know about the nitty gritty, like whether they stare at idols in the shower or ever manage to have a wank in private. It quickly becomes clear though that Seunghyun doesn’t want to talk about it, the bags under his eyes becoming more pronounced every time Jiyong drags it up.

 

The day passes by in a haze, and Jiyong almost thinks he must be dreaming since it’s that perfect. Pyjamas and Ai and sunlight warming up the flat. And Seunghyun, with his long legs draped over Jiyong’s as they catch up on the drama that he promised he wouldn’t watch without Seunghyun (he might have lied).

 

Again, selfishly, Jiyong wants Seunghyun all to himself. That isn’t possible though, and he grumbles for a full hour whilst they get ready to meet the other three. They fall into the same routine, both fighting for the mirror with the best lighting (Seunghyun almost punches him when Jiyong asks what exactly he needs to do with his stubbly hair). In typical fashion they end up leaving the house late, with Jiyong still dragging his feet behind Seunghyun. All he wants to do is have the older man wrapped in his arms, preferably naked, but he’ll have to make do with his rear-view gaze as Seunghyun strides ahead of him.

 

“It feels nice to wear normal clothes again.” He says, brushing the fabric on the clothes he borrowed from Jiyong.

 

“You’ve been gone a month. Stop acting like a freed prisoner of war.” Jiyong snaps, as they wait for the lift to take them down. Seunghyun raises an eyebrow.

 

“Sorry.” He mutters, after a few beats of silence. “I’m just mad that I don’t get you all to myself this weekend.”

 

He hates the smug smile that spreads along Seunghyun’s face, and if there weren’t extensive CCTV all over the building he would be wiping it off with a kiss just about now.

 

When they eventually reach his Lamborghini he does just that, leaning over the gear stick to press his lips firmly into Seunghyun’s.

 

“What was that for?” The other man asks, not missing for a second how forceful the kiss was. It’s Jiyong’s turn to smile now, at Seunghyun’s newly bewildered face.

 

“Nothing.” He shrugs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Youngbae envelopes Seunghyun into a hug so tight that Jiyong can almost feel it, almost hear the older man’s ribs cracking. His eyes form crescent moons as he looks up at Seunghyun, and Jiyong briefly wonders if that’s what he too looks like when he looks at their hyung. Daesung and Seungri are slightly more gentle when hugging him, but no less happy to see him.

 

“So? How is it?” Seungri asks, once they’ve finally settled down at the table. He managed to wing them a private booth on very short notice, something about Seungri that they’ve all come to take for granted for. Whilst he wont tell Seunghyun this, Seungri was essentially his rock this past month. Dragging him out of Seunghyun’s house when he thought his mourning period had gone on for too long, shoving him in the studio and all but locking the door on him.

 

“You’ve gained weight!” He says, breaking Jiyong out of his thoughts.

 

“And you’re ripped.” Youngbae says, squeezing Seunghyun’s arm. Jiyong frowns involuntarily. He’s glad he’s not the only one to notice these changes, but why can’t he share their enthusiasm for it? Across the table Daesung offers him both a small smile and a glass of wine, and Jiyong takes them both eagerly.

 

“It’s what they said it would be, to be honest. I’m tired all the time, there’s no personal space and the showers are grotty. Shouldn’t be too bad now that I’m starting at the police unit, though.” Seunghyun says, and it’s more than he’s said to Jiyong about it in the past month. “First place in shooting, though.”

 

That smug grin comes back onto his face as he looks to Jiyong for approval. Jiyong tries to return the smile but there’s too many feelings churning in his stomach right now, none of which he can put his finger on, so instead opts for downing his wine and avoiding Seunghyun’s gaze altogether.

 

It’s hard to describe the way he feels about the five of them, but if he had to then he would hazard a guess that it’s not dissimilar to how a mother hen feels. Youngbae feels it too, he thinks. So it’s nice, the five of them being back together, and for most of the meal he’s content to just sit back and watch the other four. Their dynamic hasn’t changed; it’s still the three of them against Seungri, with Daesung silently sipping his wine in the corner.

 

That is until the shots of soju come out. They’ve now been at the restaurant for a good five hours so it’s about time they did something about it, Seungri argues as the waitress brings the bottle into their private room. The first round is down their throats in a heartbeat, and out of habit a cigarette finds it’s way into Jiyong’s fingers.

 

“Can I have one?” Seunghyun asks, fluttering his eyelashes. Jiyong is thrown; he’d completely forgotten to give one to Seunghyun. The older man is unfazed, though, still looking at Jiyong with big doe eyes.

 

“Of course.” He says. It sounds hollow to even his own ears, and he can see that Seunghyun wants to ask him what’s up. Fortunately he lets it slide; Jiyong would have no idea what to answer otherwise.

 

It doesn’t take long before Seunghyun is tipsy, leaning onto Youngbae’s shoulder as the other man winces at the acrid smell of smoke. Seungri is urging them all to go to a club, but Jiyong makes an executive decision to take Seunghyun home instead.

 

“You’re fine to drive?” He says, head still resting on Youngbae. His eyes are wide and innocent as he looks up, and Jiyong is reminded how much he’s still in love with him. 

 

“I’ve only had a bit.” Jiyong says, holding out a hand to hoist Seunghyun up from his chair. He stands to the side whilst they all say their goodbyes, joined swiftly by Youngbae. They stand in silence, watching Daesung and Seungri hug it out with Seunghyun until his best friend speaks up.

 

“He’s changed.”

 

“Thought I was imagining it.” Jiyong says, eyes still on the other three.

 

There’s a long pause before Youngbae speaks again.

 

“I know you don’t like change, but it’s not a bad thing.”

 

“Yeah.” Jiyong’s voice is small, and Youngbae pulls him into a hug. Seunghyun comes over just as they’re breaking apart, looking mildly confused.

 

“You alright?” He asks, directing the question at Jiyong.

 

“Yep.” He answers, and it manages to sound more confident than the answer he gave to Youngbae.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as they enter Jiyong’s flat, Seunghyun makes it clear exactly what he wants. His lips find Jiyong’s collar bone and his fingers start to work through his hair. But Jiyong’s mood has shifted since the morning, and he finds it hard to share Seunghyun’s enthusiasm. Eventually, the older man takes a hint. 

 

“What’s up?” He says, brushing a strand of hair out of Jiyong’s face.

 

“Nothing. The alcohol’s made me tired, I’m just gonna sleep if that’s ok?” He answers, shutting his eyes tightly to avoid the look that he’s certain will flash over Seunghyun’s face. His eyelids don’t stop the feeling of Seunghyun gently pulling away from him, though. Nor the disappointment and  confusion he can feel in waves from the other man.

 

“Sure. But I have to leave tomorrow evening. We’re gonna make the most of tomorrow, right?” He hears Seunghyun say, and it makes him want to punch himself. Why does his hyung have to be so bloody _good_ to him. Jiyong nods, and then they go their separate ways. Seunghyun flicks on the TV and the sound fills the flat as he moves to the bathroom to take a shower, muffled voices interrupting his thoughts.

 

The bathroom door swings open as he’s showering and Seunghyun marches over to the toilet.

 

“You would never have done this a month ago.” Jiyong says, as Seunghyun unzips his jeans. Water gets in his mouth as he speaks and he splutters, earning a laugh from Seunghyun.

 

“Taking showers with 20 strangers does that to you.” He says, his words punctuated by the thud of water from the shower. Jiyong smiles, but he cant help let it slide off his face once Seunghyun leaves the bathroom. When the older man finally joins him again, he’s wrapped up an oversized shirt from Daesung’s Wings tour, so over worn that it’s faded and frayed at the hems. He expects Seunghyun to say something; he never liked that Jiyong would sleep in ratty pyjamas (always preferred him with nothing on). But no such comment comes, instead he slides under the duvet without a word.

 

“Big spoon or little spoon?” He asks, once he’s buried under the covers with only his eyes peeking out. Even in the dark Jiyong can see how playful they are. “You look like you need little spoon.”

 

And without giving Jiyong a second to answer he’s shifting his body weight, tucking an arm underneath him. Jiyong’s muffled protests fall on deaf ears, and he quickly finds himself wrapped in the older man’s arms.

 

“Is this alright?” Once they’ve finally settled down Seunghyun whispers.

 

“Yeah.” He whispers back. It’s very alright.

 

 

 

 

 

Soft kisses wake him up. He’s disorientated at first, still accustomed to waking up alone, but his lips soon find their way to Seunghyun’s and then there’s a pair of hands working their way down his body. This goes on for a while before Seunghyun starts to lift up his top, and then Jiyong freezes. His body tenses up involuntarily, and it’s impossible for Seunghyun not to notice.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asks, sitting up abruptly. Jiyong rubs a hand over his face, letting out a shuddering sigh. Mentally he kicks himself for not being able to just fake it for Seunghyun’s sake. But Seunghyun isn’t letting him go easily, repeating his question. “What’s wrong?”

 

It’s not angry, which Jiyong would completely understand given the circumstances. It’s full of concern, which is even worse. Seunghyun is only back for the weekend before he begins the next part of his training, he doesn’t need Jiyong dumping his insecurities and worries on him.

 

“Nothing. I’m still just tired.” Trying to brush the situation off, Jiyong repeats his excuse from the previous night. It sounds just as empty as the night before, and Seunghyun’s expression stays the same.

 

“You’ve changed.” He finally says, with eyes shut and a teeth digging in to his lip to try and stop tears escaping.  Seunghyun stays silent. “I feel left behind. I know it’s not your fault. But I also cant help how I feel. You’ve changed and I knew this was going to happen, but it still feels like I’m just static, watching you drift away.”

 

“I’ve changed? How the hell have I changed? Because I have muscles again? This is no more than when I did Tazza, you-“ Seunghyun bursts out with, but Jiyong cuts him off.

 

“But it’s different now! And I seem to be the only one who notices. Guys always come back different from the military, and soon you’re going to be different too. More serious and mature. But I’ll still be here, still the same, just watching you slip from me. It begins with your body but it doesn’t end with your body. And I don’t want you to change, I…I don’t want us to change.”

 

Half of how he was feeling he wasn’t even aware of until he started speaking, but now that it’s hanging in the air it all makes perfect sense to him.

 

“When I saw the way you looked yesterday, it was like a chasm had opened up between us. And I think this whole weekend I’ve been scared that you would realise it too.”

 

There’s a long pause after that, and Jiyong has to finally open his eyes to check whether Seunghyun is still there.

 

“Ji, you’re the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I fall asleep.” He eventually speaks up. “You’re there when I’m running, when I’m showering, when I’m having fun. You’re always with me, whether you like it or not.

 

“And I haven’t changed. I still get nervous showering with the other men, I still find it hard to sleep when it’s dark. I’m still the chubby 16 year old that used to share ear buds with you and get trapped wind after eating too much ice cream.”

 

The room is silent but for Jiyong’s sniffling. Eventually Seunghyun accepts that he isn’t going to get a response and gets up to leave the room. It’s hesitant and stuttered, giving Jiyong plenty of time to speak, but he doesn’t. Now he feels even worse, feels that he’s made Seunghyun feel bad, and buries his face into the pillow. From the other room the TV flicks on again and voices from the same drama that they promised they would only watch together drift into the room.

 

Once he’s dried his eyes he softly pads into the lounge. Seunghyun is sat with his back to him, hunched over in a way that somehow manages to make Jiyong feel even worse.

 

“Hey!” Jiyong objects. Seunghyun keeps his eyes glued to the screen as he snorts.

 

“As if you haven’t been watching it by yourself.”

 

Jiyong moves  around the sofa to sit next to Seunghyun, picking up Ai and plopping her down on his lap.

 

“Sorry, about everything. Can we start again today?” He asks, eyes fixed on Ai.

 

“No problem.” Seunghyun offers him a smile. They watch the TV together for a while, leaning into each other while Ai flits between their laps (she has absolutely no loyalty to him when Seunghyun’s in the picture). It doesn’t take long for Jiyong’s arm to stretch around the other man’s shoulders, or for his lips to find his flesh. In a heartbeat he’s on top of Seunghyun, stretched out on his leather sofa.

 

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Seunghyun says, placing a hand on Jiyong’s chest.

 

“I want to.” Jiyong confirms. “But I’m not having Ai watch.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

After finally getting their wicked way with each other, they lie there breathless. The sheets are sprawled around them in a sweaty mess, a way they haven’t been in a whole _month._ The morning sun casts a warm glow on their bodies and the clock on the wall echoes around the room. Ai mews from the other room, but for the first time in a while he’s too content to move. If he had his way they would never leave this bed again.

 

The breathing to his left begins to get deeper, and Jiyong reaches out an arm to hit the other man.

 

“What was that for?” Seunghyun grumbles. A frown appears on his forehead, and Jiyong loves the wrinkles that come with it.

 

“You think you can just fuck me then fall asleep? We’re supposed to be making the most of your last day.” He grumbles back.

 

“And what exactly does that entail?”

 

“I want a cuddle.” He says, worming his way into Seunghyun’s arms. Soon there’s a pair of lips pressed against his neck.

 

“You-“ Seunghyun says, before planting a kiss on his shoulder blades.  “Are-“

 

Another kiss.

 

“So-“

 

And another.

 

“Sweaty-“

 

And another.

 

“And-“

 

 One more.

 

“Gross.”

 

“You bastard.” Jiyong laughs, pulling his body out of Seunghyun’s reach. “Join me in the shower, then?”

 

Jiyong gets his wish, and they stand under the thudding water together for what feels like an eternity. If he hadn’t watched a documentary about droughts and water wastage (Seunghyun makes a joke about him becoming an eco-warrior since he left) he would be happy to stay in there for even longer than eternity. Until their skin was covered in wrinkles and osmosis had sucked the life out of them. But they step out together, skin pink from the heat, and wrap towels around their waists.

 

Seunghyun’s dark eyes travel up and down his body, and Jiyong waits for him to speak as steam condenses around the room.

 

“You know I’ve always loved your body, right?”

 

Jiyong sighs.

 

“I know. But you also know it’s not really about that.”

 

“I know. I just wanted to compliment you.” Seunghyun says with a wink. He grips the towel around Jiyong’s body and pulls him close. Jiyong wonders if his neighbours below can hear his heart thumping in his chest.

 

 

 

 

 

The rest of the day passes in a blur of bed and food (Jiyong even lets Seunghyun eat in his bed), and then the sun is sinking below the skyline.  

 

As a kid one of his favourite TV shows was about a boy who could stop time with his pocket watch. He remembers rushing home every other day to watch it, and now, standing at the door to his flat he would give anything to have that watch. It’s a similar scene to last month, only this time it’s easier to deal with. The height difference between them becomes even more pronounced once Seunghyun puts his shoes on, and Jiyong stands on his toes to plant a kiss on his cheek.

 

“Come here.” Seunghyun says gruffly, pulling him in for a hug. They stay like that for god knows how long, until the buzzer goes off to let them know that the driver’s downstairs. “I’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. We’ll all be fine.”

 

Jiyong’s bottom lip juts out as they separate from each other. It’s still out as they say their final goodbyes, as he watches Seunghyun walk down the hallway towards the lift. The door stays open until the lift signals it’s reached the bottom floor, and Jiyong sinks to his own floor. The flat feels empty, and not even Ai’s soft fur against his skin is enough to soothe the aching in his body.

 

He stays there for a while, having no reason to get up, until he receives a text. It’s a picture of Seunghyun before he lost wait, before he joined YG when the two of them used to sneak into underground clubs and Jiyong would watch Seunghyun rap like he was born to be on stage. Two more texts follow in quick succession.

 

Seunghyun: I don’t look like this anymore.

 

Seunghyun: But it’s still me. I’m still the 16 year old kid who fell in love listening to Biggie with you.

 

Jiyong: You couldn’t have sent a nude?  

 

He sends back, but there’s a lump in his throat and suddenly he doesn’t feel so alone anymore.


End file.
